Tuesday, March 15, 2005

sneaky worm, you find a way into every apple everywhere. & the damage done is no small feat-- you drip like a torrent, crash like an airplane. leech without discretion. meanwhile opiate has taken my lady & her hand --powdered wedding band, diamonds are forever.

i want him back. i am forever. like diamonds, but with warmth.

Monday, March 07, 2005

eyes refused to focus write what you see goign by fast but only as you see it and moeve on YOU LEARN it is all repeating. all things are right next to each other you dont se euntil you have to written and they are passing

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

i'm playing Mappy, and i'm not in spain, if it makes you feel any better.
If it helps,
this room
doesn't block
the light,
and i don't look at you
or myself
from all sides.
"but it's not a lie if you don't look at it that way," he said, because he already won. and i say it was only a teasing defeat because his government was Addiction, a barren land, the united states of foreplay with no fucking... & certainly without any love. to demonstrate the view that best suited him, he again pressed his pitiless boot against my pitiful teeth & we traded obtuse stares. "insensitive, yeah," he admitted without guilt.
March. it has been snowing. when we get home from the bars we smoke cross-legged on our beds in Allston.

i can't tell him i love him because he does not want to date me. neil almost touched my hand and i almost let it, just to feel close to something. i feel like i am dying. i sit on his couch and stare at the ceiling long enough you just start wishing it will fall down. this is not me. this is not me. this is dis-becoming me.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

but you seem so spiteful. & the things i said & the things i took away...
it may, may not, have been mine.

"in the regiment of fragmented heroes, i am general-- ellipses s. grant--"

again, it may, may not, have been mine.

Friday, February 25, 2005

readings of a poem change over time: occasionally - for instance, now - readings change within moments: desiring a comma, or an extra word which seems to be missing :

of all things (first: i think?) the quiet, goldenly-down down down Etc.. & viciously, too, along with him, to come closer. i'm not sure where to begin, but: last night face pressed against the glass i watch snow fall, something about the materiality of surfaces, textures, thoughts: but strangely with affection, and fondly...

Thursday, February 24, 2005

&, your not coming back are you.


it's just you've never marked a word.
how lovelily the wall how lovelily of the wall and we do not necessarily hesitate he did not, he found it thin.
trying to occupy space is such a joke, & what i mean is, i won't delete this journal but you will not be able to read it. criss-cross, like in that hitchcock movie.
& the last night we spent together i kept asking you if you liked me less & you kept saying you liked me more.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

cliche moment of understanding, but it's all because i feel so light. he wrote me a really beautiful song. hushed guitars, lo-fi static, the microphone beating like a tin drum, randomly. i was depressed for the ride home on bart (parting of friends), now, happy. i have had better control over my moods. i saw a crazy man tell a cute boy that an octopus has 18 arms, and if you cut them off they will grow back, he asked the boy a question, he lied, he told him that Jesus even helps liars. which made me happy, with or without Jesus, i wish more people would think this way. i talk to jon and i remember his age sometimes, the same way i remember that i will expire and i realize that he will die in my lifetime. he kissed another girl. anytime i talk to him now, i feel like i'm a ghost watching myself talk. i hate him. i'm sad to be without him because i feel alone when he is here but as close as Arizona. jag hates me because he hates himself and wants me to do the things with him that i did with walker, or anybody else, and this makes me so sad because I would bite my hand when talking to him because he made me show my teeth. i want to read more about sexual, gender, and cultural politics. i want to know neil. i don't even want him to know me so that he will want me too. i just like him. he is so beautiful and i don't touch him because i am fucked up and belive that because he is a boy i have to act like a girl and cannot hold him, or crawl up into him, like i could before. i saw him sleep and i was not afraid of death.

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